Today was a particularly low day. The children were sent home on Monday for their month long school holiday. This dismissal was a week early. A disease (diarrhea?) is going around and the government wanted to curtail the spread in preschools.
The terribleness was not really due to events that happened today day or wandering around not knowing what to do with all the children missing. The larger culprit was lingering frustrations and disappointments, and probably some loneliness. I was further saddened to have a string of unfortunately mundane events reinforce the negative feelings that I was having.
Perhaps a tipping point for today was when one of the local people at the daycare who was telling me I should give her the shirt I was wearing because she wanted it and “we are friends”. She has continuously demands things from me “in a joking manner”. However, she laughed, hopefully in embarrassment, when I asked what she was giving me, as her friend, and why I should give her all these things if she gives me nothing.
Yesterday I returned from an overnight visit to one of the salt pans. It was the first touristy thing I have done and the most expensive. The experience was very disappointing in many ways. The most destructive component may have been the discussion with a fellow volunteer on the way back. The discussion gave voice to and articulated the frustrations and surprises that we have encountered. It also showed us that we have had similar experiences, so “it’s not me”.
I have been having feelings like:
What is my purpose here
What can I do in 2 months?!
I’m not wanted (this is not entirely self-generated)
I just don’t understand the situation
Wow, I totally misread that and had no idea that this is how it actually is
I can’t do anything here
I’m not helping
Fix yourself if you don’t want my help
In the midst of these questions, I have struggled with the Batswana (plural for Motswana, which a person who is from Botswana).
Many negative customs have made getting things accomplished even more difficult. I have also been besieged by feelings of hostility, requests for money as though it is owed to them and money grows on trees everywhere outside of Botswana, requests for my phone number shortly after greeting a man (but I am apparently expected to greet people so…), and the sense that I am inconveniencing people even though they are paid to do something.
I had hoped that there would be an exchange of learning, or just an exchange of anything. Instead, I feel I’m constantly up against a wall. It’s as though they don’t want me or anything I have to offer. The longer I’m here, the more I think I have to offer, but they still remain uninterested. Is that just a culture thing, or are they really just indifferent?
The tour books tout Batswana as friendly, welcoming people. Two Americans that I met near the pans remarked on how they have always been impressed while traveling in Africa by the "kindness of the people". Why have I not experienced this? I cannot comment on what people are like in all of Botswana. Maun is very different from all the other parts, as it is the center of the tourist industry and thus inundated by tourists. Perhaps the incessant flux has colored the view of everyone that I have met.
The family I am living with is nice. They have let me into their home beyond just letting me stay here. They have cooked for me, eaten (and enjoyed!) food that I cooked for them, and let me into their lives a bit. I think they are the only people who have showed any interest in "showing me Botswana". I will conjecture that many Batswana I have met feel exploited. As a result, they are reluctant to show me anything or to care about the experience that I have here. However, this would be an unfortunate interpretation because in many places tourism offers the only jobs and is lucrative to the alternative of working at the local school. It also would be sad for people to have such little pride in their own country that they don’t want to show it off to the rest of the world that is coming to visit.
I ended the day at the place that has become my favorite location in Maun - Barcelos. It offers fast food, alcohol, coffee, and wifi! I live for wifi. I went to call my family and research places to go tour. However, I ended up looking up what the Peace Corps is doing here and where their volunteers are specifically located. I found blogs for some recent and current volunteers. It sounds sick, but hearing the volunteers suffer with the same frustrations I have was a huge comfort. The blogs covered successes and moments like: good job…” but nothing happens.”
Reading individual posts or pieces written for newspapers I saw the theme of frustration and culture shifts. Some of the sentiments were more positive than my current feelings, but it is not fair to compare my one month of being here trying to find footing (in the midst of the staff being on strike and the students being let out for a month of holiday....) with the community involvement that a volunteer reaches after months of working on a project. They also have a greater chance of success as they have time to stay and push through, while I am leaving soon, probably before I have time to push though. The volunteers spoke of persistence and the true trial not being avoiding the frustration that I am in, but pushing through it. Regardless of what the volunteers have done themselves, they reminded me of self motivation and persistence.
All these rosy feelings did not prevent me from giving my taxi driver a huge ear full on the way home. His fourth sentence was asking for my phone number and if he can call me or take my picture. It is not his fault that every other taxi driver has made a nearly identical conversation. He, however, got a rant about respecting women, how an American would not do such a thing, and how I would be ashamed if someone in my country treated a guest such a way. It was similar to a conversation that I had to have earlier in the day about how money does not grow on trees in the USA and an American would never ask a visitor for money, but would try to ensure that they had a good impression of America.
I returned home to my Batswana family, had dinner, and watched TV. My short time makes me more frantic than a long term volunteer, but I must remain motivated and fight the adversity that I have here. It is different than the struggles that I face at home, but that is why I am here: to fight new battles and do the best that I can in this new way. This time is about the innocent children who have been born into retched conditions, not fighting a stagnant society.
Now, how to go about this....